Resolving Interpersonal Conflict (Blog Post #1)

Type: Conflict with a best friend

People Involved: Shure and I

Background Story/Context: It happened when I was in secondary 2 in 2007. It was the start of a new school year, and we were being introduced to our new classes. I did not know anybody in the class, but after a few weeks together, I made a few close friends. There was a particular friend, Shure, whom I became best friends with. We would talk on MSN messenger for hours after school everyday. One day, her sister started talking to me over MSN messenger using Shure’s account. She resembled Shure, a friend who is trustworthy and enjoyable to talk to. In addition, she was like an older sister to me, providing me with advice on issues I encounter in school. Eventually, she added me on MSN messenger with her account, and I began talking to her more than I talked to my friend. There were multiple times I suggested having a meal together with Shure. However, she declined whenever I brought up that idea, saying that Shure and her were on bad terms. 

How It Happened/Main Problem: A year later, a common friend of Shure and I told me that Shure’s sister whom I have been talking to all along was not real. All along, it was Shure who created another account to talk to me. It was her attempt in getting to know me better. When I found out the truth, I confronted Shure about how I felt.

How I felt: The conflict caused me feelings of shock, grief and disappointment. Though Shure meant no ill intention, she deceived me by pretending to be someone else. I had come to trust her as a confidant and a close friend, however, she betrayed my trust. I began to wonder whether all that time and effort spent on the friendship was wasted. I was on the verge of giving up our friendship, and continue wallowing in my misery. However, I believe that all friendships in my life are divine appointments from God, and I do not want to lose such a dear friend. I began self-reflecting on my own emotions, and why I was so affected. I also tried to identify with the feelings of Shure, and the motivation behind what she did.

How Shure felt: When Shure first got to know me at the start of the school year, she was happy she found a close friend she could identify with. Hence, she wanted to get to know me better. However, there were questions about my life that she dared not ask me. She felt that by approaching me as an older, mature person, I would be more comfortable to open up. Over time, she started feeling guilty and had always wanted to tell me the truth. However, fear of losing the friendship stopped her from telling the truth.

How We Resolved the Conflict: Shure sent me a letter of apology, explaining why she did what she did. To me, it was a beautiful letter. She did not put up any false fronts and she was honest with her emotions. In addition, her train of thoughts showed maturity. She displayed emotional intelligence, by not allowing her emotions to take control of her actions and words. I could see that this conflict made her into a stronger person, and a better friend. We did not speak for a week after the conflict, but I eventually accepted her apology and forgave her. After the conflict, we both agreed that friendship is built on mutual trust, and that we would always be honest with each other. Shure’s courage in being honest with her emotions was a clear reflection on her commitment in restoring the friendship, even though it meant putting down her pride.

Reflections: Being honest with our emotions, is the first step, and the bravest one in resolving interpersonal conflict. For both Shure and I, it was easier to not face the truth. Denial would have made life easier to cope with. We could have treated the whole incident as a nightmare and simply forget about it. However, nightmares can be recurrent, and unless we solve the problem, nightmares can haunt us forever. In recovery from disappointment, honesty is the best policy. When Shure and I were honest with each other, we forgave each other and we have both grown - grown in character and grown closer to each other. An important lesson that came out of the conflict was that, from forgiving, comes joy and peace. Sometimes, we may not understand the reasons for the pain and experiences we go through. However, I was glad I went through this painful experience. I want to remember all these experiences so that I can share it with others, and help them help themselves through resolving similar interpersonal conflicts. I

In addition, since then, I began to realise the importance of face to face communication. Though we might become closer to our friends through social networks, it still can't compare to real life interactions. Talking with friends over a simple meal is better than talking over a computer screen and wifi network. 

My Dear Friends,

Friendship is a gift from heaven. But, we are all humans. We conflict with one another. The identity of a hero does not lie in the heart, but in the choice to be a part of a community. A hero is someone who continually plugs into the source of power - friendship and family. This is what inspires continued heroism in each of us. This is where we derive our power from. This is what strengthens our dreams and aspirations. Our fight is not against the harsh reality or the skepticism of the world, but against our own pride of wanting to fight a lonely battle. It takes years to build up trust and friendship, but a mere second to destroy it. Within our friendships, it is important to practice emotional intelligence. We ought to display good emotional intelligence skills, as it will allow us to manage our relationships more effectively. The notion of emotional intelligence originated as the missing link in terms of success and effectiveness in life. Developing a high emotional intelligence would help us better handle social and professional situations. 

Looking back, how does my story show the importance of having emotional intelligence? 

Both Shure and I practiced self-awareness and self-regulation. We understood what was going on in our heads and heart. We were able to control our emotions, and in turn, our actions and words. Instead of wallowing in misery, we confronted our emotions face to face. We accepted the pain, and dealt with it well. On my part, I could have harboured anger and bitterness at her. I could have took revenge on Shure by ignoring her, destroying the friendship in turn. The guilt would have followed her for a lifetime. On the other hand, Shure displayed high emotional intelligence by being honest with her emotions. She did not allow fear to control her, but instead she faced it squarely in the face by apologising to me. 

We should always practice good emotional intelligence skills. It has played an important role in maintaining good relations with my friends and family members. It has also helped in mending and restoring broken friendships. I am sure it will be of good use in my workplace in future. 

Lastly, we should not resort to escapism to forget about our pain. A part of developing good emotional intelligence is by learning how to deal with our negative emotions. Do not resist the tears, but instead let it be an opportunity for you to become a better person. Learning how to be joyful through the tears is what makes someone beautiful. 

Sorry for all the nagging. But here is my question for everybody:  Personally, I feel that practising emotional intelligence skills by being honest with our feelings is the most important key in resolving an interpersonal conflict. To my friends, what do you think are the other acts that display emotional intelligence? For example, showing patience and love to one another. Do share your valuable insights with me, thank you very much :D